12 posts from January 2009

Things That Make Me Sad

1. Funeral Processions.
2. When you run out of toilet paper because someone left three squares on the roll and you have to waddle to the closet to find more or shake dry.
3. Waiting to find out if I have a snow day.

That's really all I had for lists. I know I talked about more with Shannon yesterday I just don't remember them at this point.

Today was probably the best day I've had in a really long time. That's right folks, today was worth describing with two font effects. I drove home yesterday late in the morning for court today. I was able to hang out with Shannon which was nice because I miss her lots when I'm at school. She made me dinner and then we were silly and talked about pooing and boys and friends and life in general.

On to today! Today was easier and harder than I thought it would be, all at the same time. I held it together until the ADA brought me into an office to let me know where the trial proceedings stood and what his plan of action was from there; at that point in time I was also notified that his lawyer would be coming to talk to me and that I was not obligated to talk to him. I *barely* held it together through this brief meeting. After I left the office the magnitude of everything I'd experienced, felt, witnessed just hit me. Tears were pouring down my face but at least I wasn't sobbing. I called Padre to tell him to high-tail it down to the courthouse and be my moral support. The woman who was in charge of my case for the day [VWA] was very supportive the entire time continuously telling me how brave I was and how strong I was; it was nice to hear because I felt like a little bitch sitting on that couch crying.

After I was off the phone with my dad and the VWA left the office his lawyer walked in. He shook my hand and introduced himself after which he asked me, "What's wrong, honey?"  SERIOUSLY?! What the fuck do you think is wrong?? I'm taking the man who was my fiance to court for assaulting me. What about that statement isn't wrong? So I just tell him that I'm overwhelmed by this whole process and that it just hit me right now. He goes on asking me questions like have I seen him, has he contacted me, etc. After which he tells me that he has been on psych meds and blah blah blah. Like I give a damn. Apparently his willingness to admit that he has a mental health problem should be punishment enough for putting his hands around my throat and headbutting me in the forhead. IDK. At this point I let him know that while I support his decision to seek medical help for these issues that it's not enough for me as far as punishment for what he did. That he is an ADULT and that when you make ADULT mistakes you have to suffer the ADULT consequences and sometimes those consequences include jail time. To which he asked, "So, you think he should go to jail?" BINGO! I was then asked how long I thought he should go to jail. I told him that I didn't think I was qualified to have an opinion on this matter because I had no legal knowledge or training in the issuing of senteces for criminal matters and that I trusted the suggestion of the ADA and the judge's final decision. I'm not sure if he was aware that I'm actually a well educated woman and not some white-trash townie that he can dick around but after I said that I'm pretty sure that he was in the know on that one.

Padre rolled into the office at this point. I told him what happened with his lawyer and he was proud of how I handled myself. Shortly after this I was given the option of witnessing the sentencing or waiting in the office. Of course I wanted to witness his sentencing - I didn't go through the last eight months to sit in an office waiting for them to tell me what had happened. The VWA told me that when we were walking to the court room I would walk by him. That was the first time I have seen him in eight months. I'm pleased to say he.got.fat. It makes me feel slightly better about the weight I've gained since we split. He wasn't expecting me to be there so it was a nice shock before he's told that he's going to jail, I'm sure.

There isn't much else to tell. I was able to see him handcuffed by the court officer. It was worth the eight month wait to see that. I know it's a little petty to think of it this way but in my eyes that was when I was victorious in this situation. He's sentenced to a year in the house of corrections. Six months to serve with six months suspended for one and a half years; he has to comply with a lot of Department of Mental Health requirements when he's paroled which I'm not sure will happen so he may or may not end up serving the full year. Either way he has more charges coming his way from other open cases which will ultimately make his time in the HOC longer than six months.

It's finally over. I'm done with him. For good. I'll be notified when he's released from the HOC at which point I don't expect to be living on Cape Cod, anyways. I've been instructed to renew my restraining order simply because of his record and the fact that the renewal date is close to his expected release date - at this time, anyways.

Happy days are here again.

It's really starting to bother me when I don't make it on the priority list of people who are telling me that we're really good friends.

This must be what my mother feels like when I blow her off.

I know that I have friends who will always be there for me - at least when they have the ability to do so. But still I find myself with friends who can't respond to IMs or texts even if they're busy. If you're online you're probably talking to someone, if you can talk to them you can at least tell me you're busy. A little courtesy wouldn't kill you.

Congratulations on electing a President who could potentially return respect, class and dignity to our country.

Here's to the next four years. Let's not fuck it up. Again.

Love,
Angela

PS: GOBAMA!

This song is .horrible.

I'm sorry Jayne - it doesn't matter if I listen to the lyrics. It's just a horrible song.

While I was driving tonight that song came on and Maria and I had a conversation about what I would do if I were a boy. Here's what I came up with:

1. Pee. Preferably it would be winter so I could write my name in the snow.
2. Find a girl to give me head. I want to see what all the fuss is about.
3. Have sex. It only makes sense to do that after receiving head. I mean,seriously people.

After that I feel like I'd miss my vagina. I don't think I can deal with things dangling between my legs.

I feel like I've found myself saying that a lot lately - "I'm not sure." I think I've reached a point where I'm handling as much as I can and taking on any more commitments or emotional baggage from others will severely hinder my performance as a human being.

However, there are a few things that I am sure of.

1. I'm positive that I'm 89-93% happy with my life right now. It varies from time to time but overall I'm pretty happy with where I am.
   
2. Leaving "Cape Cod" problems at home - with the exception of therapy - is heavily impacting my ability to deal with people on campus right now. If I wasn't doing that I really don't think I could handle even half of everyone's bullshit.
   
3. I need to be more assertive in my friendships because I don't like where some of them are headed right now.
4. I'm glad I'm allowing myself to experience different aspects of certain relationships. I need change.
5. I need to let change happen.
6. I need to learn to let go. Even though I'm not a "resolution" person this is my goal for this year. Learning how to let go of things that are only holding me back from experiencing and getting the most out of my life.
   

This semester is going to be hell. I know it. I'm pretty sure the rest of my family knows it, too. I know that I'll be an emotional mess when it starts to go down to the wire. I feel like acknowledging this now will help me cope with it when it really happens. I know a lot of my anxiety has to do with the fact that I have no idea where I will be six months from now and that scares the shit out of me.

I went out with Melissa and Melisser from {Colorful Creations} last night after VIP Night. We ended up at Sam's [note: Watermelon Margaritas aren't as delicious as they sound.] I found out that I'm not the only one with the weird chest pains when I start having panic attacks - as much as it sucks it's nice to know that I'm not the only loopy one in my group of friends ; ] We had an interesting talk about poo and vomit and being sick and uteruses, or maybe it's uteri? IDK. Either way it was nice to hang out with some people who aren't digging for information about my sex life and things of that nature.

I have pictures of layouts from the Winter Crop I keep meaning to post but my camera is currently at the bottom of a Rubbermaid bin and I'm not in the mood to fish it out. So with that I am going to bed on Saturday night at 11:34PM.

I'm too tired to update on my general life right now. But overall things are awesome.

**UPDATE**

1. Marked - House of Night Book 1 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/1/2009; Finished 1/2/2009]
2. Betrayed - House of Night Book 2 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/2/2009; Finished 1/3/2009]
3. Chosen - House of Night Book 3 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/3/2009 ; Finished: 1/3/2009 ]
4. Untamed - House of Night Book 4 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/3/2009 ; Finished: 1/4/2009]
5. My Secret: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: 1/11/2009; Finished: 1/11/2009]
6. The Secret Lives of Men and Women: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: 1/3/2009; Finished: 1/3/2009]
7. PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives - Frank Warren [Started: 1/11/2009; Finished: 1/11/2009]
8. A Lifetime of Secrets: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: 1/3/2009; Finished: 1/3/2009]
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell - Tucker Max [Started: ; Finished: ]
Perfect Fifth: A Novel - Megan McCafferty [Started: ; Finished: ]
Uglies - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Pretties - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Specials - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Extras - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Boleyn Inheritance - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Queens Fool - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Virgin Lover: A Novel - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Constant Princess - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
Eliot's Banana - Heather Swain [Started: ; Finished: ]
Cold Feet - Heather Swain [Started: ; Finished: ]
Me, My Elf & I - [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Treasure Map of Boys: Noel, Jackson, Finn, Hutch--and me, Ruby Oliver - e. lockhart [Started: ; Finished: ]
Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini [Started: ; Finished: ]
Lessons from a Dead Girl - Jo Knowles [Started: ; Finished: ]
A Million Little Pieces - James Frey
Devil in Details: Scenes from an Obsessive Girlhood - Jennifer Traig [Started: ; Finished: ]
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia - Elizabeth Gilbert [Started: ; Finished: ]
Being - Kevin Brooks [Started: ; Finished: ]
A Great and Terrible Beauty - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]
Rebel Angels - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Sweet Far Thing - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]

What was the best date you went on in high school?

I didn't really go on dates in high school. I mean, I had boyfriends my freshman and sophomores and I dated a kid for a couple weeks at the beginning of my junior year. But I never went on "dates," at least in the conventional sense.

The best date - under my definition - I ever went on was the night Jeff came and picked me up at like 2A. Totally had to sneak out - or at least I thought I did, I found out later Padre didn't really care one way or the other - and crawled out my window. We went down to Burgess Park and just played on the playground and talked about stupid stuff [i.e. why do cows say moo and not bark? or why do they call a pineapple a pineapple?] for a couple hours. We were never "official" but we had a weird vibe between us.

The worst date I ever went on was the time I went with Scott Xuereb to the movies to see Gladiator. His friend Pat was with us so it was awkward for him. And anyone who knows me knows that I cannot sit through a movie and be quiet. It's impossible. Let's say Pat hated me for a little while after that. Haha.

Awkward date was when a whole group of us went to the movies to see Big Mama's House. I was sitting between Nate - my boyfriend at the time - and Tim Lambert [the second boy that I ever had a *major* crush on] and Tim was sitting next to Lianna - his girlfriend and my best friend. I was holding hands with Nate while watching the movie and Tim was totally trying to feel me up while holding Lianna's hand. There was probably eight of us at the movies all together and the fact that he had the balls to do that was ridiculous.

Oh to be young again.

A couple things have been edited as of 1/6/2009

Whenever I'm bored I'll go through sites online to find random, cute quotes to use as away messages. Lately I've been coming across this one [or variations of it]: either you loved him, or you didn't; love isn't something that just goes away. And I feel like that's a big, fat lie.

Granted for most people it probably could be true; most people being teenage girls who're still in middle/high school who have no real-life experiences or actual relationships.*note: sex does not equate an actual relationship it just means you gave it up way too early.*  I just don't see this being true for adults; not that I really consider myself an adult but I'm definitely not in high school anymore.

Obviously I am going to be the basis for my argument as to why this quote isn't true. And I'm pretty sure you can guess what I'm going to use as the basis for my argument involve me. Mike. I fell for Mike. Hard and fast. I was ready to marry him and I was ready to give up a lot of life experiences I was looking forward to because I loved him. The second he put his hands on me the way he did everything changed. I couldn't look at him without wondering how he would potentially treat our children or if he would ever do this to his daughter. I couldn't live with and marry a man having those kind of doubts. Granted, falling out of love with him wasn't as instantaneous as I'm giving the impression it actually took quite a while. I don't remember the exact day I fell out of love with him but I know that I've reached a point where I can live without him.

If everything was as black and white as that quote is suggesting then everyone would stay with their first true love. The heartbreak you experience from the loss of that love wouldn't exist. Relationships would be easier. Breakups wouldn't be so bad because you'd know that they were telling the truth when they tell you that they don't love you anymore. Except it isn't like that. Rarely anyone stays with their first true love. Relationships are a lot of work. And breakups do suck. A lot. And the pain of looking into someone's eyes knowing they're looking at you the same way they have for however long telling you that they love you while they blatantly lie to your face is one of the most painful experiences I've ever gone though.

That's what I think about before I go to bed. How depressing.

I understand that when you're in a relationship with someone you want to spend as much time with that person as possible - even if you live with them. What pisses me off is when you stop following through on commitments with other people because of that person but you continue to tell me that you miss me and we need to hang out and that you'll call me. Stop lying. If that was the case you would've texted/called/IMed me to hang out by now; and I mean since the last time you did because you didn't follow through on that either.

I'm really sick of everyone being *too* busy for me. If you can fit in time for your shitty boyfriend, that's right I went there, then you can fit in time for me. If you can manage to go out to eat with your other friends or go out for drinks with them why the hell can't you do that with me? Are you just trying to break up with me and not tell me? Because if you are that's fucking shady as hell.

I'm sick of people telling me that we're "biffles" when in actuality we're just really close at the moment and have a lot in common. In all honesty this isn't directed solely at one person - although it appears that way when you read it. I'm just making generalized statements that seem to apply significantly to one person. It's frustrating to find out that people don't fit into your life the way you want them to or even the way you thought they did.

Part of me isn't surprised that this happened. It's a continuous cycle for me. I surround myself with flakes. And even though I continuously lower my expectations for people and their ability to follow through on commitments I'm continuously let down. I know that this is part of the process of growing up and it'll keep happening throughout my life - I'll become close with people and then we'll part ways when their purpose in my life has been fulfilled but it doesn't make the process any less frustrating. A lot of it has to do with the fact that when the boyfriend/job/distraction is gone that person will text/IM/call me and be like "OMG I haven't seen you in forever let's hang out!" and then the cycle will start all over when some new distraction comes along.

I know that I'm guilty of this and this is what happened with me and my friends on The Cape when I was dating Mike, but there were also extinuating circumstances in that situation like the fact that I was only able to see him on the weekends and we were engaged; however foolish and silly it may be we/I/whatever had the full intention of using the marriage license and following through with the marriage.

Maybe I just need to realize that everyone isn't as considerate of other people as I am and just move on?

Is it time to go back to school yet?

**UPDATED**

1. Marked - House of Night Book 1 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/1/2009; Finished 1/2/2009]
2. Betrayed - House of Night Book 2 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/2/2009; Finished 1/3/2009]
3. Chosen - House of Night Book 3 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/3/2009 ; Finished: 1/3/2009 ]
4. Untamed - House of Night Book 4 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/3/2009 ; Finished: 1/4/2009]
5. My Secret: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: ; Finished: ]
6. The Secret Lives of Men and Women: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: 1/3/2009; Finished: 1/3/2009]
7. PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives - Frank Warren [Started: ; Finished: ]
8. A Lifetime of Secrets: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: 1/3/2009; Finished: 1/3/2009]
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell - Tucker Max [Started: ; Finished: ]
Perfect Fifth: A Novel - Megan McCafferty [Started: ; Finished: ]
Uglies - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Pretties - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Specials - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Extras - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Boleyn Inheritance - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Queens Fool - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Virgin Lover: A Novel - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Constant Princess - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
Eliot's Banana - Heather Swain [Started: ; Finished: ]
Cold Feet - Heather Swain [Started: ; Finished: ]
Me, My Elf & I - [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Treasure Map of Boys: Noel, Jackson, Finn, Hutch--and me, Ruby Oliver - e. lockhart [Started: ; Finished: ]
Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini [Started: ; Finished: ]
Lessons from a Dead Girl - Jo Knowles [Started: ; Finished: ]
A Million Little Pieces - James Frey
Devil in Details: Scenes from an Obsessive Girlhood - Jennifer Traig [Started: ; Finished: ]
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia - Elizabeth Gilbert [Started: ; Finished: ]
Being - Kevin Brooks [Started: ; Finished: ]
A Great and Terrible Beauty - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]
Rebel Angels - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Sweet Far Thing - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]

I spend way too much time in bed reading today. I think I'm going to start the elephant I need to make for a swap!

I've decided I'm going to *try* to keep track of the books I read this year. My goal for reading is 150; it actually seems kind of low to me, but that's because I don't normally keep track of the books I read.

**edited** I finished the other book I started and instead of reposting this list hours after I wrote it I'm just going to edit in what I read and the next books I'll be reading**

1. Marked - House of Night Book 1 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/1/2009; Finished 1/2/2009]
2. Betrayed - House of Night Book 2 - P.C. Cast [Started: 1/2/2009; Finished 1/3/2009]
3. Chosen - House of Night Book 3 - P.C. Cast [Started: ; Finished: ]
4. Untamed - House of Night Book 4 - P.C. Cast [Started: ; Finished: ]
5. My Secret: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: ; Finished: ]
6. The Secret Lives of Men and Women: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: ; Finished: ]
7. PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives - Frank Warren [Started: ; Finished: ]
8. A Lifetime of Secrets: A PostSecret Book - Frank Warren [Started: ; Finished: ]
9. Fourth Comings - Megan McCafferty [Started: ; Finished: ]
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell - Tucker Max [Started: ; Finished: ]
Perfect Fifth: A Novel - Megan McCafferty [Started: ; Finished: ]
Uglies - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Pretties - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Specials - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
Extras - Scott Westerfield [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Boleyn Inheritance - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Queens Fool - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Virgin Lover: A Novel - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Constant Princess - Philippa Gregory [Started: ; Finished: ]
Eliot's Banana - Heather Swain [Started: ; Finished: ]
Cold Feet - Heather Swain [Started: ; Finished: ]
Me, My Elf & I - [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Treasure Map of Boys: Noel, Jackson, Finn, Hutch--and me, Ruby Oliver - e. lockhart [Started: ; Finished: ]
Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini [Started: ; Finished: ]
Lessons from a Dead Girl - Jo Knowles [Started: ; Finished: ]
A Million Little Pieces - James Frey
Devil in Details: Scenes from an Obsessive Girlhood - Jennifer Traig [Started: ; Finished: ]
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia - Elizabeth Gilbert [Started: ; Finished: ]
Being - Kevin Brooks [Started: ; Finished: ]
A Great and Terrible Beauty - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]
Rebel Angels - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]
The Sweet Far Thing - Libba Bray [Started: ; Finished: ]

So. I think I'll stop with what I have here. It's all my "to-read" books on GoodReads.com. If you haven't checked out that site and you're an avid reader I totally recommend it; even if you don't read a million books a year like I do you should still check it out!